5/06/2005 09:47:00 AM|||Garnet|||

I want a baby. Have I mentioned that yet? I want one. Maybe two. No more than three. Hopefully not all boys. I've got names picked out and everything. I have friends with babies and I love to hold them and watch them and gaze at pictures of them whenever I can. I love shopping for baby shower gifts and a couple weeks ago, I almost had a seizure of excitement as Honey and I roamed the aisles of Babies R Us for a friend. Two ladies at the preschool I've been working at are recently pregnant. One of them said the other day, "Dang. It must be something in the water!" To which I replied, "Gimmie some of that water!" She asked if I was trying to get pregnant. Alas, my answer is still no........

Two years ago when we were just married, we both weren't ready yet because we didn't want to have to share each others' attention with a new person in our family. Makes sense, right? Newlyweds want to be all goo-goo-gaa-gaa to each other and only to each other. Then last year, our excuse was that we weren't financially secure enough. That excuse didn't last long because everyone we talked to shot it down by easily saying, "Nobody's every financially ready enough for kids. You just make due." So then my new excuse last year was that I want a baby, I just don't want the responsibilities associated with raising an adolescent (driving to piano lessons, paying for soccer uniforms, etc), or dealing with teenage hormones, or paying for college, braces, doctor's visits. That excuse might sound a little harsh to some people but at least we are honest about it.

And now, my most recent excuses are as follows:

1. I need to lose at least 30 pounds before I start makin' babies. If I don't do that, I probably will have a difficult (health-wise) pregnancy.

2. I've got some heavy emotional baggage that I am trying to work through in therapy. It's all rooted in my maternal family line. I already know that when I become a mother, I will do almost everything opposite of how my mother and grandmother did them. I won't be like them. But I still have more work to do before I can feel like an emotionally whole, balanced and stable woman. I want to be able to give my baby the best of what I have to offer and I'm just not there yet.

So, I'm starting to line my ducks up in a row (so to speak) in preparation to lose some weight. I've got ideas of how it can work for me. I don't do crash diets and I don't do fad diets. I'll do Weight Watchers or eDiets, maybe. I'll walk the treadmill, walk outside, try some push ups and continue my yoga. But there's a certain amount of mental preparation that needs to be complete before I can begin such a lifestyle change. I'm just starting that preparation now. And I'm already working on the emotional issues. I am well on my way!

In the meantime, I will remain content with just giggling and feeling my heart skip a beat when I see Maggie's baby in images such as these. Or as I read about Lima Bean's growth on Beth and Chris' blog.

Woe that I shall live vicariously for the rest of my life.....!

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|||111539561307417257|||Hitting the Snooze Button on the Ol' Biological Clock