My dad sent this to me in his Christmas card! So funny!

Please accept, with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of any and/or all holidays occurring before, after, during or near the winter solstice, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country, nor the only “America” in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, color, creed, age, sex, physical ability, veteran status, religious faith or sexual preference of the wished.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdraw. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for him/herself or others, and is void where taxed or prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first and such warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.