The OBGyn canceled my appointment today. I guess she can’t make it in today for some reason.
So I called and scheduled a new appointment with a different OBGyn (it felt like the Divine was guiding me away from this other OB). Not a big deal since this other one comes highly recommended by my MIL and SIL. It’s a guy and I prefer a woman OB but if they say he’s good then I can try it out.
Problem is he can’t see me until early next month (just a few days after my appointment with the periodontist).
So I called my primary care physician’s office to get some more immediate answers regarding the antibiotic/periodontal disease/trying to conceive issues. I got to speak with my doc’s assistant and she was very kind and knowledgeable. I trust her way more than anyone else I’ve spoken to about it…which made the news she gave me all the harder to cope with….mostly because I know she’s right.

I just cannot try to conceive right now. It would not be in the best interest of my child. Periodontal disease is just a fancy way of saying “you have a severe bacterial infection that is embedded deep within your soft tissue (gums).” Who, in their right mind, would try to create a child in such an unhealthy body?
I need to start this three month antibiotic and see it through. Then I need to see the periodontist to help get a handle on the infection. Hopefully, the infection will go away after the antibiotics. However, it is more likely that I will need more treatments by the periodoc to truly get it under control.

The doc’s assistant reminded me, “What is waiting a few months to the life of a healthy, strong future child?” I keep repeating that to myself. Admittedly, it is in between sobs, but I know she’s right.

At least I wasn’t told that I can’t have children at all! That’s the good news out of all of this.

I beat myself up a little bit for being bad, having bad stuff inside me, not taking care of my teeth sooner, etc etc. After about ten minutes of that futile tirade, Honey calmed me down and helped put it in perspective:

I do want a baby.
I don’t want to wait to have a baby.
I do have an infection.
I don’t want to lose a baby or have an unhealthy baby from the start.
I do want to provide my child with the healthiest body to nurture her in.

He’s right. They’re all right. So now I’m not crying anymore and I’m trying to gain a bit more patience. Next I will put away the baby name books, hide the “Baby is Sleeping” pillow that my mom got me for Christmas, stash the conception-friendly lubricant and get off the TTC message board. I’ll get out the condoms, keep taking my temp and get this (fucking) antibiotic included in my daily routine.

Here’s the song that I just came on — it means a lot right now:

Gravity
is working against me.
And gravity
wants to bring me down.

Oh I’ll never know what makes this man
with all the love that his heart can stand
Dream of ways to throw it all away.

Gravity
is working against me.
And gravity
wants to bring me down.

Oh twice as much ain’t twice as good
and can’t sustain like one half could.
It’s wanting more that’s gonna send me to my knees.

Gravity
stay the hell away from me.
Gravity
has taken better men than me.
How can that be?
Just keep me where the light is.
Just keep me where the light is.
Just keep me where the light is.

-John Mayer