I have lost faith in Alvarez’s ability to treat me successively.

It is his opinion that the tumor started in the gallbladder or, possibly, the pancreas. He says all those bits are crammed together so close to the liver that it spread easily to the liver. And it’s too intertwined with the veins in the liver to be cut out successfully. Maybe we could remove the pancreas and gallbladder…later…if we can shrink the tumor on the liver first. BIG IF.

His treatment plan is chemo. A specific chemo drug in particular. Though, he admitted he has never used that chemo drug on my type of tumor so he’s not sure how successful it would be.

He says radiation is too risky to jump right into. And if we chose to go with radiation seeds planted directly in the tumor, then that would negate the surgery option further down the road. But we need to talk to the radiation therapist about that tomorrow.

He says it would be better if we could determine exactly where the cancer started so we could be more specific in the treatment. In order to do that, though, it would require exploratory surgery, which is extremely risky. Also, ideally, he’d want to cut the tumor out but again, where it’s located makes it too risky to do that completely. We’ll talk to the surgeon next Tuesday about that option.

When I asked him if there is anything I can be doing on a daily basis (ie. foods to eat or avoid, multivitamins, etc) to help stunt the growth of this tumor or at the very least keep me healthy otherwise, he quickly shook his head and said, “No. Nothing you can do.” Somehow, I don’t believe that.

Basically, I suddenly no longer feel confident in Alvarez’s ability to treat me. That’s a huge blow, considering I’ve been working with him for over two months now and I had confident in him the whole time…until now. It sort of feels like the bottom has just dropped out of the boat on me. But then Honey tells me not to think that way.

Next Tuesday, we’ll see Dr. Cane, a research oncologist at the University. Alvarez made it sound like she’s really the way to go, indicating that she may have some “investigative” treatments specific to my kind of tumor. He said he’d support me in any decision I made but I really feel like I would be settling for less than I deserve if I went with Alvarez’s “inexperience.” This is not the time to be settling for anything. I’m fighting for my life here. I intend to keep seeing these other docs for other ideas and suggestions but now I am opening myself to the idea that I may very well need another opinion in the mix (just in case Cane doesn’t have anything promising for me). We’re going to ask Kortz (surgeon and liver transplant specialist) for a referral to an oncologist who may be better versed in this area.

This all takes time, which is the most annoying part - especially with Alvarez stressing, “Time is of the essence here. You need to research and weigh your options carefully but make a decision quickly.” It’s difficult but we’re doing it.

I got a couple books last night on cancer. Basically, I was looking for something I could read in bed, that would “hold my hand” (so to speak) without being overly sappy, sentimental and passive. I wanted something informative and educational - something that could offer me suggestions as to what I can do to help myself, outside of the doctors’ offices. I came home with these two books:

Fighting Cancer from Within: How to Use the Power of Your Mind for Healing

Cancer: 50 Essential Things to Do

I started the Fighting Cancer from Within book last night and so far it’s very empowering. It’s already convinced me of my own strength to make the right treatment decisions for myself, the courage to ask doctors difficult questions, and the confidence in my own participation in healing my body. I really want to get the CD’s of the author’s guidance through imagery techniques but it’s kind of expensive and I just can’t justify that cost right now.

So tomorrow is meeting with radiation therapist to see what he thinks of my cancer. Tonight, I intend to regroup my thoughts and emotions after the big let down with Alvarez today.

I have decided to get the IV catheter port “installed” ASAP and letting Alvarez’s office set me up with that (he assured me that once I have it in, anyone I end up seeking treatment from can use it). So waiting to hear back from them on it.