Everybody has good days and bad days, right? I’m trying to keep that in mind.

***WARNING: The following is not a happy post. Not a hopeful post. It’s a moment of weakness that I am experiencing so if you don’t want to hear about that stuff, then don’t read on!***

I’ve felt awful for the past three days and nights straight. I went to that party Friday night but I felt horrible throughout it. Saturday, I tried to rest all day to regain my strength and stamina. It didn’t work. Yesterday, my dad, Honey and I went on the Rocky Mountain Harley Davidson Toy Run for Children’s Hospital. Thousands of bikers gathered at the south end of Denver and we all rode across town to deliver tons of new toys to the kids at Children’s. I drove my car. Honey and dad rode their motorcycles. It was a wonderful, heart-warming event that I’m glad I participated in but I have to tell you that it broke my heart to see all those sick kids: not just because they are so young and it’s so unfair that they’re all so sick. But also because they represented to me some hard times ahead for me. I was in pain and felt weak and crummy and all I wanted to do was hug and talk to those kids. But I couldn’t do that. Eventually, we headed out, went to lunch and then home for a little bit.

Honey and I had date night last night. We were instructed by my shrink to go out on a date at least weekly during the next few weeks. We doubled with my sister-in-law and her boyfriend, both of whom I love spending time with. We had dinner out and then saw Enchanted (which I LOVED!!!!! My Honey is the greatest for taking me to such a girlie movie!!!). At 9:30 I dragged my body into the house and into bed for a long, fitful night of disturbed and painful sleep. I took a pain killer Friday night before bed and another Saturday night. But I didn’t last night because…well, just because I’m so scared of getting dependent on them - not necessarily addicted but dependent on them to relieve my pain (Ibuprofen or tylenol don’t work - I’ve tried).

My liver hurts straight through to my back. It aches and it throbs and it flutters at times. Front and back. And when it hurts like this, so much, so consistently, that’s when I really get scared about the worst case scenario. The hope I mustered up last week has faded behind the pain. It’s hard to keep it close at heart when it hurts so bad. And naturally, I keep thinking that the docs at University of Colorado and MD Anderson are still going to tell me, “Sorry, there’s nothing we can really do for you. It’s in a bad place. Too bad.” I’m too young for this. I still need to be a mother to Honey’s children. We haven’t been to Europe together yet. It’s not fucking fair. (sorry for the cussing but that’s frustration for you)

A good friend of mine is coming over today to help me do laundry and gather things together to pack for this trip. The way I’m feeling and such short notice is not a promising combination for how I usually prepare for travel! Ugh. She’ll be here in about an hour and I’m still not dressed. So I should probably close this up for now. More later…