I got to pick my flavor barium: apple, banana, mixed berry or regular. YUCK! I picked mixed berry but now I’m starting to regret it - I my never be able to eat my favorite mixed berry yogurt again! The first bottle wasn’t too bad, mostly because we were joking around with some other patients in the waiting room, saying, “Cheers!” and “Bottoms Up!” and “Where’s the shot glasses!?” The second bottle was a bit tougher to get down but I managed. I had to put on some scrubs for the test itself. The same size scrubs were tight on me two months ago…these were a bit baggy. Mostly just because my appetite has dwindled a bit lately. I intend to work on that with a dietician or nutritionist as soon as I start a treatment. In Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips, Kris suggests making or buying and then decorating your own scrubs and hospital gowns! What a great idea! Put ribbons and bows and buttons and bohemian patches to look so cool! Just no metal - big no no for the magic machines. I know of a store that carries scrubs near our house back home. I just might stop by there when we get back!

I’m really getting to know my way around this maze. Sure, I got us lost a couple times today but I’ve seen some of the patients more than once and said hello enough to them that we’re almost BFF’s! So I survived the CT scan and am now back at the hotel, in my loungy clothes, typing this post. My “auntie” Deborah is bringing us dinner. I asked for a milkshake so she’s bringing hamburgers for the guys and a giant strawberry shake for me! Horray!

Tomorrow morning we’ll see Dr. Wizard (my new nickname for Dr. Curley) again and then decide to head home early or not. Basically, if he can come up with a treatment plan that requires me to stay at MD Anderson, we’ll most likely come home early, pack me up some more stuff and bring me back out here for a longer stay. If his treatment can be administered, at least in part, in Denver, then we’ll come home early and try to get it started early next week. If he needs more tests run then we’ll stay put - although when we asked him yesterday what other tests he may need, he said the CT scan is pretty much it. (Yesterday, he and I talked about my Irritable Bowel Syndrome and he ventured to guess that I may have Ulcerative Colitis which may have contributed to the tumor growth…he said this because IBS is just a broad general term given to a multitude of symptoms with no other visible indications of any problems like polyps, ulcers, etc. You can never truly be “diagnosed” with a syndrome, per se, but I was given that label in 1998-99. He indicated that if I did have Ulcerative Colitis, it would be determined by a colonoscopy *cringe* We’re not even going there yet!).

Wanna know a secret? When I had my first biopsy in September, my mom went with us to the hospital. While they were prepping me for the biopsy, she and Honey went to the gift shop I guess. She came back to sit with me in Pre-Op and gave me a large, fluffy and super soft BeanieBaby bear that’s purple (my FAVORITE COLOR!). The bear isn’t just sitting on it’s butt though. No. She’s got her legs out in front of her, leaning back, exposing her belly to the world and her arms are back behind her to prop her up. She looks like she’s poised for a liver biopsy! And you know how all Beanies have their given names on their little ear tag? Well, I don’t even remember what this one’s is because my mom gave her to me and told me her new name is “Livvie” - for Liver! HA! Well, the secret is, I have Livvie with me now here in Houston. In fact, whenever my liver aches more than usual or I just feel generally down and like I want my mama, just hold Livvie close and I feel better. It’s so sweet.

If my mom were here, she’d probably call this place the Disneyland for Doctors! Heheehee.

This morning I slept in until Honey got a call from a doc I saw yesterday and she told us to get to the Pain Management department ASAP. So I quick showered and threw on some clothes and we took off to the maze that is MD Anderson.

The Pain Management department was very helpful. I saw a kind nurse and a patient and knowledgeable doctor who assessed my case thoroughly. He suggested I get a nerve blocker as one option to manage my pain. Apparently, that would be a big dose of 100% alcohol injected into my back during conscious sedation. That kills the nerves in my abdomen, making it more difficult for my tumor to send pain signals to my brain. It would last 6-12 months (that’s how long it takes the nerves to grow back). It’s an outpatient procedure with very little side effects. Also, it can be administered in Denver as it is nothing “Exotic or unique” - it’s been around for 100 years.

The second option was better oral medications to manage my pain. The only thing that I have found that works on the pain is Percocet but it makes me itch all over. So I take Benadryl to cut the itching which knocks me out and makes me feel like a zombie. When the doc asked how this pain and the current medication I am on are impacting my life I was honest with him:
“I haven’t been able to work since early September. I’m either in constant pain or I’m passed out from the medications. I can barely walk, let alone stand for very long. I can deal with and be strong about my diagnosis and what to do about it but really only when I’m not in pain. When I am in pain, I feel miserable, hopeless and my outlook looks grim to me. I can’t live that way much longer. It’s really taking its toll on me.”
He was completely understanding and said that I explained it “eloquently.” He prescribed me Methadone and some other kind of pain killer that I can’t remember the name of right now.

Now, now, keep your knickers on…don’t get the wrong idea. See, a couple weeks ago when I was going through my mom’s old paperwork, I found the name Methadone on her list of prescription medications. I freaked out. All I know about Methadone is that that’s what heroine addicts take when they’re rehabbing. Naturally, I jumped to conclusions. I made judgements. I thought, “Oooo that’s a BAD drug! Like heroin!” So I asked the doc about it today. He said that is a common misconception. Honey further explained to me that the heroin addicts who are rehabbing and taking methadone are probably taking it to manage their own painful side effects of the detox. That makes sense, doesn’t it? Does to me!

I told the doc how afraid I am of getting addicted to these narcotics . I’ve seen my mom struggle with it over the years and I’m often afraid I’ll end up like that. He assured me that what I’m feeling with respects to needing these pain killers is normal. I AM IN PAIN and these are the only things that work. Even my worry that I only have five Percocets left and what am I going to after they run out, is normal. I’m worried about the pain, not the “score.” When people are shaking and stealing and lying and taking excessive medication than the prescribed schedule or levels direct them to, that’s when the red flags go up. I am experiencing none of those. So he really put my mind at ease.

He gave me the methadone which I am to take every 12 hours, with or WITHOUT pain. This other med he gave me is to take in between those doses, if the pain is still bothersome. Neither of these should make me too sleepy or itchy. If the itching recurs, I am to call him to get something else, NOT take more Benadryl. Okie doke.

Unfortunately, I haven’t started taking them yet. I didn’t pick up the RX until 1:00 and I didn’t want to A) take it on an empty stomach and I’m not supposed to eat three hours before my CT Scan (which is at 3:30) and B) take it at 1 just so I have to wake up at 1am to take another one…I don’t want to get on a middle-of-the-night medication schedule so I’ll wait till this evening to start taking it. In the meantime, I’m still a Percocet Benadryl Zombie. Heheeh

In the waiting room for the CT scan now. In a recliner, actually. I might take a nap since I’m so early for this test. I think I’ll have to drink barium for the abdominal test which means I’ll be staying in the hotel room again tonight (close to the toilet — what goes in must come out!). I’d rather go have dinner with my aunt who got me here in the first place. But that will have to wait another day I guess.