When the doctors told me those three terrifying words, “You have cancer,” everybody jumped ahead to “What do we do next?” leaving me to wonder, “Why me?!” Several hours and buckets of tears later, I’ve come to realize that this is the ultimate question that can never be answered…unless in some spiritual way that I won’t recognize until it’s all over and done with.

I know it’s futile but I can’t help thinking sometimes, where did this cancer come from? What was its cause? Was it because I drank a lot in my early 20s? (not really any more than Joe Schmoe the Fraternity Bro) Was it because I took too much ibuprofen regularly for the past several years? (It was for my back pain and it’s over the counter! It’s supposed to be safe, right?!) Was it the bacteria that built up in my mouth from not going to the dentist for over 10 years? (I knew I should’a gone in sooner!) I know now that I’ll probably never know the cause. But it’s a quiet question that haunts the back of my mind from time to time. I wish there was a way to tell the cause. Then I could sound the alarms and teach everyone I know to “stay away from this! or that!” and “don’t take too many Advils!” and “FLOSS YOUR TEETH OR YOU’LL GET CANCER!” And then everyone around me will be safe and I’ll feel much better having been able to TEACH, EDUCATE and HEAL others around me.

Sometimes I just can’t help but wonder….where did it come from?

Maggie reminded me that I hadn’t told ya’ll yet about my upcoming CAT scan and such. So here you are…

Next Friday, Feb. 15, Honey will take me to UCH for a CAT scan. Mmmmmm apple-flavored barium chalk drink. I simply cannot wait!

The following Friday, Feb. 22, Honey will take me to visit with Dr. Kane to review the results of the CAT scan, another blood draw, etc. After meeting with her, I will get another dose of CAKE.

I know, you’re all wondering why do I have another CAKE scheduled when she said we’d stop after 4 doses and then do a CAT scan. Maybe better safe than sorry? Or by my blood work she thinks it would be good to do another cycle (which means not just one but two more doses) of CAKE? Who knows? I didn’t get to meet with the doc the other day and I feel too crummy to question or protest it now. I’ll just take what she gives me…she is, afterall, the expert! Right?!

I finally got to sleep around 4am this morning and slept till 10. Honey’s taking me out of the house for a little bit today just to get me some fresh air and such. Tomorrow we’re driving up to Fort Collins and spending the night in the hotel in which we were married! Frank is getting an award from the Business school at CSU so we’re all gathering up there to attend a fancy award ceremony for it. It’ll be fun to be back up north.

Have a happy weekend everyone! And I still have some more bracelets if you want one…email me your address!

Terrible nausea all day Thursday. MomDad came over for a bit to help out and brought lunch and even though I ate it happily, I paid for it all night long. I had to break down and take my last medical option to try to snuff out the nausea: steroids. I took it at 2:30, and the dosage says not to take after 4pm because it keeps me awake. I guess 2:30 was pushing it, too. I fell asleep at 10 but then was awake again at 12:30 and have been up ever since. I listened to Coast to Coast AM (Thank you, XM radio!) but now that’s over and I’ve nothing left to do.

Nausea sucks. I can’t tell if it’s hunger nausea or just general chemo nausea. They tend to just blend together. I’ve tried breathing deeply, meditating, sleeping through it, taking various pills, to no avail. RAWR. I’m about out of options here!

I just ate a little snack and it has already upset my tummy.

I swear, there is no winning here. Just a lot of waiting…