My self-confidence has been in the tank lately. I’ve been overweight for several years but, generally speaking, I’ve always had a high level of self esteem. In fact, when I close my eyes and picture myself, I am not overweight at all. I am continually shocked by the size of the person in the mirror at the mall, or staring back at me in pictures. But confidence isn’t all about weight. It’s about how you feel about your self worth all over, inside and out.

Since my diagnosis, I am still adjusting to my new reality while trying not to lose track of “who I really am inside.” That’s definitely harder than it sounds.

In the past two weeks, I have begun to face the fact that I don’t like myself very much. I need to work on getting back in touch with who I really am, despite this cancer inside of me. But between the piles of medications, depleted energy level, hormonal malfunction, continual acne breakouts, persistant irritability and emotional instability, I’m finding it extremely challenging to remember the good stuff about myself. Yeah yeah, I know what you’re going to say: “It just takes time,” “Have patience with yourself,” and “You are a great writer and are always so positive…you’re and inspiration.” I thank you for all of that, I really do. But it’s not enough. For some reason, it just doesn’t sink in and make me feel much better about myself.

So I’ve done some small things to make myself more appealing to myself in the mirror. Remember how I dyed my hair hot pink last month? Well, I’d always wanted to know what it was like to have pink hair and, truth be told, once I did it, I regretted it instantly. In the past 30+ days that I’ve had pink hair, I think I’ve only really liked it maybe a total of 5 of those days. Most of the time I contimplated chopping it all off just to have my hair as long as the short dark roots that began peeking through. I was just really disappointed in it and I did not particularly enjoy the attention it brought from people I’d pass in the hallways at the hospital or out at a restaurant. I didn’t feel like people were taking me seriously and I really did not appreciate all the children who would blatently stare at me out of mere curiosity. Since I had to bleach my hair before applying the hot pink dye, as it’s been fading my whole head looked like it had a pile of pink lemonade on top. That’s when I really began to hate it!

Yesterday, I put an end to the pink locks on my head. I bought a trusty old Color-in-a-Box kit at Target and applied it almost immediately. I opted for a more natural, dark to medium brown with “multitonal” highlights (all in one box, mind you! I can’t keep up with professional highlights anymore…what a pain in the butt they are!). CAKE must’ve made me slightly color blind because I ended up with more light brown, almost blondish-amber colored hair. It looks more normal, though not entirely natural. Anything’s better than hot pink, though!

Also, I did something fairly drastic over the weekend. I’ve always, always wanted my nose pierced. I’ve always just thought it was beautiful and a fun accessory on some women. I’m not a big fan of piercings all over the face (chin, lip, eyebrow, tongue, etc), mind you. I just like the subtle look of a tiny sparkly stud or ring on the side of the nostril. I’ve wanted it done since I was 18, really, I just never thought I had “the nose” for it. Truth be told, my nose has always been my favorite physical attribute. It’s a great size and is rounded and cute. I like my nose. But I have big fat brown mole on the left side of it and I hate that mole. It always draws far more attention from the kids at school than I’d prefer and I get really tired of trying to convince them that it is not actually a booger! Yuck! Anyway, I’ve always wanted a nose piercing and I finally did it on Saturday. If I’ve learned anything in the past 6 months, it’s that life is short and you should do what you want to do or try and stop putting everything off for all the wrong reasons. Who cares what people will think? Who cares if it’ll hurt or look silly (ie pink hair)? Who cares if I’m too old to do it? I am my own woman and I’ve wanted it done for so freaking long I can hardly stand it! I got it done to the right side of my nose and it looks great! Yes, it hurt more than I can express to you in words but it was worth it! The ring they put in to pierce it is much bigger than I want in there but they say the piercing ring should be bigger than normal in order to help it heal properly. In three months, baring any healing complications, I can replace it with a smaller, subtler ring or stud.

But wait a minute…aren’t you worried that I shouldn’t be poking unnecessary needles into my body and causing bleeding and unnecessary healing during this trying time of my life? Well, don’t you worry one more minute! When I was at the hospital for my CAT scan on Friday, I sought out Nurse Skippy (which wasn’t hard — he’s always hanging out in the CAKE infusion center) and asked him, point blank, “What would be the harm in me getting my nose pierced this weekend?” He did a quick blood draw and a full CBC (remember, that’s the thorough tests of the quality of the health of my body via my blood?) and called two hours later with the results. All my platelets and white blood cells looked fine. All within normal ranges. And I’m not on enough blood thinners right now to cause that much concern so, he said, as long as I go somewhere with a sterile and clean reputation, I should be good to go. Horray! Naturally, on the form I had to fill out at the piercing parlor, I had to indicate that yes I am in treatment for a disease, have had medications recently that affects my blood, etc etc but once I told them I passed a blood test just the day before, the piercer was satisfied! Oh, I also got another hole in my ear. Which also hurt. And while we were at it, Honey got part of his ear pierced too…the best way I can explain it is it’s in that crevase just above and outward from the ear lobe. It looked like it hurt a LOT, too, but he’s super strong and didn’t show as much reaction to the pain as I did (cussing, eyes watering, legs kicking).

The bad news is, we are in between cameras at Chez Honey right now so I can’t take and share pictures of my hair and our piercings with you yet. As soon as Honey’s new camera arrives and he’s got it all turned on and working for me, we’ll be click-click-clicking away! You can count on that!

So those are the two things I’ve done to help my self confidence lately. And has it worked? Well, my hair not turning out the shade I had intended kind of bugs me (I’m considering a do-over…anyone know how long I should wait before dying it again?) but I’m glad it’s not pink anymore! And I love love love my nose ring! It has a tiny little garnet in the hoop, of course! It hurts to blow my nose (which I do a lot of these days!) but I am managing alright. At least I didn’t get it pierced right in the middle of allergy season!

I promise…pictures will be forthcoming. Stay tuned!