Since my hair has been falling out more and more the past two days:

I decided to make a drastic hair change just for the heck of it!

Just kidding!
I mean, I really did make a drastic change but it has very little to do with pink.

Unless you’re referring to the pinkness of my scalp!

I was quickly getting tired of yanking large chunks of hair out so Honey shaved it all of last night! I spoke to my pseudo-aunt last night on the phone (Jane Driskell) about her coming to take care of me for two weeks after my next chemoembolization (to which she heartily agreed!) and we go to talking about shaving heads. See, she had had an aneurysm in her brain removed about two years ago now, before which she had to shave her head. I had missed it but she had made a party out of it by inviting a bunch of her close friends and family to help her shave it all off. She explained to me last night what a refreshing, freeing and empowering feeling it was to just finally shave it all off. When she used that word “empowering” I was SOLD! I have felt short of much power lately so I was definitely open to some! Her words were quite encouraging without trying to talk me into it, ya know?

It’s actuallly cut just 1″ long all around but already it’s much cooler and comfortable. I’m still loosing hair, same amounts, just smaller pieces. Taking a shower was a breeze last night and after my nap this afternoon, I was only joking when I told Honey that I had “bed head.” I’m sure it’ll take me a long time before I run out of hair jokes…what, since I’ve had so much hair plaguing me for the past 32 years! Finally, I don’t have to fuss with it!

Sure, it was a shock to look in the mirror the first time without it last night. In fact, I stood to the side of the mirror last night after the cutting was over and ever-so-slowly creeped my way into sight. I cried at first. Hell, love it or hate it, I was attached to that hair for a long time. I’m going to miss it. I did preserve a nice healthy lock of it and tied it up with a pretty green ribbon for posterity’s sake. I may go even shorter in a few days if I feel so inclined.

Honey’s jealous since he used to shave his head every week for about 8 years during and after college. He was bald when we started dating. I made him grow his hair out hansomely for our wedding and a couple times afterwards but eventually he’d get fed up with having to style it every day and just shave it off in the bathroom. He hasn’t done that in two years now and it’s grown down to his shoulders already! It’s long and locky and I love it! I never was attracted to guys with long hair but my Honey is super-hot with his! He was gung ho about shaving his head in sympathy with me but I refused to let him. I want one of us to have hair throughout this ordeal! He agreed but we’ll see how long he lasts on the south east coast in July with all of that hair! *cross fingers*

My hair is coming out in chunks now.

And all of my toes on both feet have been numb for two days now.

Chemo is so freaking weird! Just when I think I know what to expect, something new and strange happens to me. I’ve given up asking the doc about every single thing because I know she’ll just nod her head knowingly and say, “It’s just a side effect of chemo.” Duhh. But I’ll ask her about it anyway tomorrow because Honey will probably force me to.

Well, our house has been painted and it looks great! The main color is still a light almond but the trim is now a pretty and subtle green. Our front door is even green…so pretty!

My gardening crew (dad and Carol) and I finally finished the first of two phases of my garden in the rocks yesterday! What used to be a weed-infested square patch of gravel in our back yard is now a beautiful young garden! I’ve got green and orange bell peppers, two tomato plants, and zucchini growing as well as a pink hydrangea bush (very small but doing well), three different stunning colors of columbines, two yellow potentella bushes, a couple of “carpeting” floral plants of various colors, and three fat irises (potted) decorating the gravel area! My in laws were getting rid of a huge pile of medium-sized granite boulders that I couldn’t resist! Yesterday, we hauled about 20 of them home and lined the outside edge of the gravel garden with them, as a division between the grass and the gravel. They are some of the most gorgeous rocks I’ve ever seen - lots of quartz and color variations in each one. Carol also brought me what can only be described as a small lilac bush from her own bushes at home (when I say ’small,’ I mean about 5 feet tall “cuttings” from her bushes!). I bought a huge hanging plant and I think it’s called a Fuschia but the flowers are hot pink with purple middles. The bird feeders and squirrel feeders are all up and packed with treats. The wind chimes and other hangy decor are hung and ready. My mini herb garden is thriving enough for me to pick off three catnip leaves to make my kitties crazy from time to time! We have successfully turned my back yard into a sanctuary! Thank you, Dad and Carol, for all your muscle, sweat and hard work.

Yesterday morning I got to play spa with Carolyn and Lindsay! The three of us went up to Evergreen to the Tallgrass Day Spa to each receive a treatment of our choice. I opted for the Golden Moor Mud Facial to help detoxify and clear up my chemo-induced acne problems. Oy. What an experience! I’ve applied many a mud mask to myself at home but none of them compare to this incredible experience at Tallgrass! The mud she used on me reportedly “comes from a bog in Northern Canada that’s been untouched by man, except when harvesting the mud and sending it off to be purified for customers’ use.” My skin still feels wonderful and clear but the best part was really just lying there on the heated bed being pampered and massaged — so relaxing. I’d never had such an experience at a spa before but now that I know what it’s like, I will definitely treat myself to it again more often! Is once a month too much do you think?

I wore myself out yesterday. I got up at 7 to make it to the spa by 9 and was GO GO GO all day long! I made it home around noon, grabbed a quick shake for lunch and then got to work on the garden. Dad and Carol showed up around 1:30 and the three of us got to working until 6:00. Aside from our travels to MD Anderson, yesterday was the busiest day I’ve had since my diagnosis. I had energy and stamina and I wasn’t in much pain at all…until 5:30 rolled around. Today I was going to get out and go go go some more but my body is requesting a rest day. So I’ve cancelled my plans for the day just to stay home and rest. Tonight, Honey and I are going to dinner and a movie (Indiana Jones - his favorite). Tomorrow is back on the chemo carousel.

I’ve been struggling with deep depression lately. Last weekend I guess I forgot to take my antidepressant medication for three days and I ended up crying all day long on Sunday. I was a mess. Honey had to coax me out of bed on Monday, too. I kept thinking of all sorts of negative things and felt my heart breaking into a million pieces all over again for my mom. It was horrible. I tried to put on a happy face and fake it for the people around me but it wouldn’t be long before I had to slink off to a bathroom or someplace to have another good hearty cry. It wasn’t until Monday evening that I realized I hadn’t taken my medication for three days. I was finally able to take it again Tuesday morning and have felt much better ever since. I hate that I am clearly so dependent on that medication. I wish that I were “normal” and could handle these things in stride like regular people. I hate being classified as “depressed” and therefore “medicated” as a result. It’s embarassing to say the least. Especially here, with all of you telling me I’m so positive and upbeat about my illness and everything else. I feel sort of like a fraud, like I’ve been lying to you…I’m really depressed and sad some of the time. I know, I know…it’s only natural and it’s to be expected and I can’t be happy and positive all the time but man, when the dark clouds come rolling in..they really wipe me out.

In the midst of writing this entry, Kat came by for a quick visit. We talked about everything under the sun as usual but then she asked me about losing my hair. She said, “I don’t think you’re going to lose your hair. It may just thin out but you probably won’t lose it.” She says things like that because of feelings she has…like gut feelings. And she’s usually right on. But just then I ran my hands tightly through my hair again and instead of finding the usual one or two strands of hair between my fingers, I found like six of them! So I did it again. And again there were six or seven hairs in my hand! IT MAY BE HAPPENING! She may be right…it could just be thinning out. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. I’ll keep tugging on my locks and keep you posted.

Chemo tomorrow. Honey’s off so he’s going with me. My bloodwork was good on Tuesday so I should be good to go. I think I may have a UTI but I’ll ask Kane to test me for it when I see her tomorrow. Happy early weekend everyone!

Well, we got there, checked in, drew blood, waited, were taken back to a cubicle, got comfy, got a nurse, and was hooked up to two of three antinausea medications via IV, only to be told a half hour later that part of my white blood cell count was low. I don’t recall the exact name right now but the nurse showed me the paperwork and explained to me that while my regular overall WBC was in the normal range, the part that fights infections was a little low. Which I kind of expected — enough so that on the drive over to the clinic this morning, I was chanting to my white blood cells to be high and mighty (I guess they didn’t listen). So I got a Neupagen shot and was scheduled to come back Tuesday to test my blood again to see if I need another shot or not. Then back to chemo next Friday. Anyone who’s local want to take me up to the clinic for my blood draw on Tuesday? They put me on the schedule around 2:00 but I can actually show up any time I want (they say between 10 and 1 is their busiest times and to go either before or after then). Drop me an email if you’ve got a couple hours and gallons of fuel to kill on Tuesday.

So we left there, went to pick up our visas for China (anyone want to play me on the China trip?!) and then grabbed a quick lunch before Honey poured my exhausted body onto the couch. And on the couch I stayed…asleep…for 4 hours. Ugh. I haven’t been sleeping well at night lately, which is also why I was up so late last night posting on here! I get really tired during the day so much that I have to take a nap. And if I don’t wake my tired booty up before, say, 4:00pm, then I have trouble sleeping at night again. But, really, that’s just one of the contributing factors. I think about and miss my mom a lot at night when the lights are off. A LOT. So I try to avoid it by watching endless TiVo’ed episodes of Scrubs until the wee hours of the morning. This disturbs Honey’s sleep (even though he won’t admit it!) so I started trying to just say up later and watch TV downstairs. Lame. Boring. But at least I have a challenging cross stitch pattern to keep me occupied!

My girls (cats Ariel and Nala) turned 12 yesterday. And they are healthy and strong as can be. Nala’s overweight but I gave up trying to get her to lose some of it a few years back. I’ve just come to accept she’s just one of those fat and content cats and if that makes her happy and as long as she’s not having health problems as a result, then I’m happy for her. My girls came from the pound when they were wee kittens. I had gotten my first apartment alone in Denver (I’d had one apartment previously with a college friend in Greeley) and what I wanted more than anything was a cat!! My mom took me to the Denver Dumb Friends League to get me a cat as a housewarming gift. I visited with a cute little kitten and fell in love. The DDFL needed to call my new landlord to verify that I could have cats so mom and I left for an hour or so to let them do that. We came back, picked up a box with my name on it that had a kitten inside, paid and left. As soon as we hit the car, I took the cat out of the box, only to discover that it wasn’t the same cat I had visited and fell in love with! :O This was an entirely different cat! It had a similar facial structure but different coloring entirely! OH No! Needless to say, my mama was furious! We stormed back in there to raise a fit. We ended up demanding a free cat to remedy the situation. There only one tiny kitten left in the whole place and she happened to be the litter mate of the one we had in the box. Turns out, the one I had visited with was the same one that was the last (BOGO kitty) one we got and that one was Ariel. The one in the box was Nala. So we got them both and immediately, mom started referring to them as “Sisters and Twins.” I still call them that, along with a wide variety of other crazy nicknames like TeenieTiny, Chunky Monkey, Cuddle Bug, and NillaBean (those are all for Nala) or Sweet Girl, Black Toed, Tongue Sticky Outy Kitty (because she is often caught sticking out her tongue and drooling on her chin for no apparent reason!) and Fuzzy Girl (those are for Ariel). They’ve been with me through thick and thin and they’ve adapted rather well to three puppies (one was mom’s when we lived with her for a while and she first got her dog), three other cats (one is our Merlyn, the others, again, were mom’s) and various other temptations like pet lizards and, now, fish! They’re senior citizens and set in their ways but they almost always come to me to cuddle at night or for a nap. I love my girls! Happy Birthday!

Boring week. Except…no…not really.

Last weekend, dad and his new friend came over and helped me plant my garden! We got some tomato, banana pepper, green pepper, cantaloupe, and squash plants in the ground, along with some flowering bushes and vines like a hydrangea that I think I may already be killing. Anyway, I plan to plant mostly irises in the remainder of that gravely area in my back yard, setting aside a small path and place for sitting and visiting. Dad’s friend Carol loves irises like I do so a couple days later, yesterday actually, they showed up with three potted iris plants with blooms that are about ready to explode! We potted them in a large terra cotta pot and put it out in the gravel in with the rest of the growing garden. Then she introduced me to this site and is taking me up there in the next couple of weeks, where I will pick out a variety of irises I want to grow and they’ll send them to me come autumn! How cool!

Also, the homeowners association for our neighborhood told us it’s time to repaint our house (I call them nazis and I guess they like this to be done every 6 years). So we hired a painter for an excellent price and are changing the color of our trim from a boring blue shade (which is what it was when we moved in 4 years ago) to a very subtle green shade called “Pinot Greenio.” Don’t get me started about what a hassle it was to get that green color chosen and approved by the nazis! Let’s just say my first green choice was declined and declared “too intense” for the neighborhood! LOL Too intense! That still cracks me up! When the painters are done in the next couple days, I’ll share with you some pictures of the before and after look of our house.

Other than that, it’s been a terribly boring week around here. I’ve had ZERO energy and super tired so I’ve been sleeping late and doing almost nothing all day every day. I didn’t leave the house for three days, which is a bad idea…I can usually only handle two straight days in the house before I start going stir crazy. Honey and I went to the mall tonight and bought some new luggage (ON A SUPER DUPER SALE AT MACY’S!!! I love love love a bargain!), had dinner and bought some more fish for our growing aquarium. Tomorrow is more chemo. Let’s just say when I check in at the infusion center, I usually tell the nurses who I am, followed by, “I’m here for my nap.”

I haven’t lost any hair yet. I keep tugging away at it. To be honest, I actually want to lose my hair this time. It would make the hot hot summer so much more bearable! I wish I could get away with shaving my head. Naw, I wouldn’t do that. But if I do start losing my hair in clumps you can bet your sweet bippy I’ll be shaving it. It’s either all or nothing for me…I won’t walk around town with clumps of hair growing out sporratically on my head. All or nothing baby.

There were some awful tornados that tore up the towns around where my Aunt and Uncle live here in Colorado this afternoon. I’m trying to get ahold of Uncle Mark to see how they survived it. Grandmother or Mark, if you’re reading this, please email or comment and let me know all is well!!! *worrying*

See ya later!