My hair is coming out in chunks now.

And all of my toes on both feet have been numb for two days now.

Chemo is so freaking weird! Just when I think I know what to expect, something new and strange happens to me. I’ve given up asking the doc about every single thing because I know she’ll just nod her head knowingly and say, “It’s just a side effect of chemo.” Duhh. But I’ll ask her about it anyway tomorrow because Honey will probably force me to.

Well, our house has been painted and it looks great! The main color is still a light almond but the trim is now a pretty and subtle green. Our front door is even green…so pretty!

My gardening crew (dad and Carol) and I finally finished the first of two phases of my garden in the rocks yesterday! What used to be a weed-infested square patch of gravel in our back yard is now a beautiful young garden! I’ve got green and orange bell peppers, two tomato plants, and zucchini growing as well as a pink hydrangea bush (very small but doing well), three different stunning colors of columbines, two yellow potentella bushes, a couple of “carpeting” floral plants of various colors, and three fat irises (potted) decorating the gravel area! My in laws were getting rid of a huge pile of medium-sized granite boulders that I couldn’t resist! Yesterday, we hauled about 20 of them home and lined the outside edge of the gravel garden with them, as a division between the grass and the gravel. They are some of the most gorgeous rocks I’ve ever seen - lots of quartz and color variations in each one. Carol also brought me what can only be described as a small lilac bush from her own bushes at home (when I say ’small,’ I mean about 5 feet tall “cuttings” from her bushes!). I bought a huge hanging plant and I think it’s called a Fuschia but the flowers are hot pink with purple middles. The bird feeders and squirrel feeders are all up and packed with treats. The wind chimes and other hangy decor are hung and ready. My mini herb garden is thriving enough for me to pick off three catnip leaves to make my kitties crazy from time to time! We have successfully turned my back yard into a sanctuary! Thank you, Dad and Carol, for all your muscle, sweat and hard work.

Yesterday morning I got to play spa with Carolyn and Lindsay! The three of us went up to Evergreen to the Tallgrass Day Spa to each receive a treatment of our choice. I opted for the Golden Moor Mud Facial to help detoxify and clear up my chemo-induced acne problems. Oy. What an experience! I’ve applied many a mud mask to myself at home but none of them compare to this incredible experience at Tallgrass! The mud she used on me reportedly “comes from a bog in Northern Canada that’s been untouched by man, except when harvesting the mud and sending it off to be purified for customers’ use.” My skin still feels wonderful and clear but the best part was really just lying there on the heated bed being pampered and massaged — so relaxing. I’d never had such an experience at a spa before but now that I know what it’s like, I will definitely treat myself to it again more often! Is once a month too much do you think?

I wore myself out yesterday. I got up at 7 to make it to the spa by 9 and was GO GO GO all day long! I made it home around noon, grabbed a quick shake for lunch and then got to work on the garden. Dad and Carol showed up around 1:30 and the three of us got to working until 6:00. Aside from our travels to MD Anderson, yesterday was the busiest day I’ve had since my diagnosis. I had energy and stamina and I wasn’t in much pain at all…until 5:30 rolled around. Today I was going to get out and go go go some more but my body is requesting a rest day. So I’ve cancelled my plans for the day just to stay home and rest. Tonight, Honey and I are going to dinner and a movie (Indiana Jones - his favorite). Tomorrow is back on the chemo carousel.

I’ve been struggling with deep depression lately. Last weekend I guess I forgot to take my antidepressant medication for three days and I ended up crying all day long on Sunday. I was a mess. Honey had to coax me out of bed on Monday, too. I kept thinking of all sorts of negative things and felt my heart breaking into a million pieces all over again for my mom. It was horrible. I tried to put on a happy face and fake it for the people around me but it wouldn’t be long before I had to slink off to a bathroom or someplace to have another good hearty cry. It wasn’t until Monday evening that I realized I hadn’t taken my medication for three days. I was finally able to take it again Tuesday morning and have felt much better ever since. I hate that I am clearly so dependent on that medication. I wish that I were “normal” and could handle these things in stride like regular people. I hate being classified as “depressed” and therefore “medicated” as a result. It’s embarassing to say the least. Especially here, with all of you telling me I’m so positive and upbeat about my illness and everything else. I feel sort of like a fraud, like I’ve been lying to you…I’m really depressed and sad some of the time. I know, I know…it’s only natural and it’s to be expected and I can’t be happy and positive all the time but man, when the dark clouds come rolling in..they really wipe me out.

In the midst of writing this entry, Kat came by for a quick visit. We talked about everything under the sun as usual but then she asked me about losing my hair. She said, “I don’t think you’re going to lose your hair. It may just thin out but you probably won’t lose it.” She says things like that because of feelings she has…like gut feelings. And she’s usually right on. But just then I ran my hands tightly through my hair again and instead of finding the usual one or two strands of hair between my fingers, I found like six of them! So I did it again. And again there were six or seven hairs in my hand! IT MAY BE HAPPENING! She may be right…it could just be thinning out. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. I’ll keep tugging on my locks and keep you posted.

Chemo tomorrow. Honey’s off so he’s going with me. My bloodwork was good on Tuesday so I should be good to go. I think I may have a UTI but I’ll ask Kane to test me for it when I see her tomorrow. Happy early weekend everyone!