Maybe I’m mistaken but I don’t think it’s particularly good practice for your shrink to stand you up. Am I wrong?

it all falls apart again.

The toilet got clogged this morning and still won’t succumb to my frantic plunging efforts.

My post from yesterday has mysteriously disappeared and I can’t seem to get it back nor figure out what the heck happened to it (and Maggie hasn’t even read it yet!).

I called Nurse Skippy to see what he can offer me to help soothe my extremely sore throat and swollen lymph nodes. Guess what he said? Dr. Kane was sitting right next to him so he relayed all that I said to her. Go ahead. Guess! I bet you guessed that he offered me another prescription, eh? Well, you’re wrong. It’s even BETTER THAN THAT! I get to drop everything and get my butt to the clinic this afternoon and every day this week for more of those DELIGHTFUL neupagen shots! LUCKY FREAKIN’ ME!

Do you think they can give me a big fat shot of PATIENCE while I’m there? I seem to be running low lately…

I’m sick of it. So so sick of it. Sick of being sick.

I spent all last week on the sofa, resting, trying to conserve what little energy the Neupagen shots left me with, trying to build up my white blood cells while my bones ached and my body was so very tired. I was all ready to be back on my feet this week. I wanted to be back to my old self again. But I forgot…this is the third cycle of this particular chemo treatment and I’ve never, until this past week, been able to take the second dose because of the low white blood cells. This time they were pumped up so I was able to get it on Friday. And it’s keeping me knocked out.

My fucking hands hurt. My fingers are red and brown and swollen. My feet too. It hurts to walk, do the dishes, do ANYTHING. I sit here and ice them and take more medicine to help control the pain (but it doesn’t work). I guess I’m just supposed to sit here and stare at the wall until it passes.

My throat is killing me too. My glands are swollen and my throat feels like it’s closing in on itself. It’s scratchy and dry and no matter what I drink or take or suck on to help it doesn’t last. It just plain hurts. And when I get upset and frustrated, I start to cry and it hurts even more. It’s a side effect. I know. It could be worse. At least I’m not throwing up. I guess I’ll just sit here and stare at the wall until it passes.

And my nose is running like crazy. I figure it’s allergies but my allergy medicines don’t work. And every time I blow my nose it’s so gross and sometimes there’s a lot of blood…maybe because it’s so dry here but it’s probably more because of one of the damn chemo drugs I’m on (Avastin) which directly affects my bleeding. I guess I’ll just sit here and stare at the wall until it passes.

Oh and what about these stomach pains? The Xeloda I take for 21 days makes me feel like bombs are being let off in my gut. Sometimes the pain wakes me up in the middle of the night and I sit there and just pant and breathe deeply and wait for it to pass. It happens throughout the day, too, though I’m sort of getting used to it. On July 4 I can stop taking them for a whole week and believe me, by the time that day rolls around, me and my stomach will be more than ready to recover for a while! I guess I’ll just sit here and stare at the wall until it passes.

Yes, I have talked to my doctor about these things and yes they are all just side effects of chemotherapy. She can always prescribe me more stuff to take to help counteract some of it but not all of it and the medicine doesn’t always work. Plus I’m constipated enough from all the shit I’m already taking so please don’t give me any more for a while.

I’m not working. I don’t bust my ass in an office or around kids all day 5 days a week. But I do sit here and have to deal with this crap all the freaking time while I try desperately not to “think the worst” or feel hopeless or so terribly lonely all the time. I try so hard to not worry my husband. I want him to think I’m strong and I can handle this because he’s probably sick of hearing me complain all the time.

Damn I need a vacation from my sickness.